Us Weekly, Star, and InTouch Weekly always tackle the hard hitting issues in Hollywood. This week’s gossip centers around body types, or the lack thereof. Us Weekly delves into the stress of being a young Hollywood starlet. They list Ellen Pompeo, Anna Kournikova, Kiera Knightley, and Kate Bosworth as the new body type of the Hollywood celeb.
The article talks of how the stress of being perfect causes them to feel a loss of control over their lives, there by causing them to control their eating habits. Ms. Knightley will only eat water soluable foods, as they are easier to break down in her body. Anna turned to 45 minutes of cardio a day at least 4 days a week, and Ellen downs soy milk every two hours to keep her weight up. The article also puts out the trade secrets of celebrities such as Clenbuterol and CM3 Alginate. CM3 Alginate is a seaweed that expands and fills your stomach. Clenbuterol is a pill that treats asthma for horses, and is not okay for people. However, it apparently makes humans rapidly lose weight.
More of Joshua Martin’s Tabloid Roundup, after the jump.
First off, what stress does Anna Kournikova have? Correct me if I’m wrong, but she never won a professional tournament as a single player, ever. Never ever. I guess the stress of staring at Enrique Iglesias’s mole would be pretty stomach-churning in bed. Secondly, asthma pills for horses? Who in the hell thinks of this crazy shit?! I mean Paris Hilton may look like a horse, but I highly doubt they would give her pills for barn animals that weren’t a suppository. The seaweed maybe, maybe would be a pill I would consider. Any pill that Mr. Ed had to take to keep him calm on set is not something I want to ingest. It hasn’t seen a FDA regulation panel, it’s not remotely tested on humans. I guess, however, that explains Nicole Richie and Victoria Beckham. We know those two bitches are from outer space.
Star magazine talks about a new liposuction that is non-invasive, is inserted through a small incision, and uses a red laser to break up fat cells and suck them out. They list Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson, Demi Moore, Anna Nicole Smith, and Carmen Electra as people who have had it. The laser also apparently tightens the skin, so there is no after-lipo sag or bruising.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but an incision is semi-invasive. I also don’t know how I feel about my plastic surgeon pulling a Darth Vader in my stomach, waving his light saber around, and zapping my fat with the force. I understand the need for quick recovery time, so don’t jump all over me. Yet, I have to imagine if your doctor sneezes wrong with a laser, you might have a Dali artwork shaved into your stomach. It is only 10 minutes to perform, but it costs the exact same amount of money, and may not be able to shave as much off. So you get less for your money too, some celebrities are nuts.
InTouch finishes the Body Confessional trifecta with a myriad of celebrity body gossip. First, they delve into the obvious breast implants that Lindsay Lohan has received. Within a month they have two pictures of her going from what looks to be an A cup to a full C cup, though Lindsay just said she grew them back by eating food again. Kiera Knightley addresses the fact her family is anorexic, but her militant control of food isn’t anorexia…it’s health. Finally, Ashlee Simpson talks of how she didn’t get the witches bridge removed from her nose, and her lips done.
Helen Keller could see the work that Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson have had work done. Stevie Wonder would be like “Holy shit, you bitches have changed!” Now don’t get me wrong, both have had changes for the better. If it came down to it, I’m not doing an necropsy on their bodies, so I really don’t care if it’s made from space shuttle material. But when you lose a beak like Toucan Sam, don’t lie to me. Ashlee Simpson, you don’t have the rack to hide behind like your sister. I have to stare at your face.
Written by Joshua Martin
Source: A Socialite’s Life